CULTURE SHOCK: The Fine Furred Friend Affair
by Felicia Angel
Summary: Dr. Dabree is back for revenge! Napoleon deals with guilt, Elaine deals with being a pet, Celeste has ex problems, her sister, and a dog. Illya, Mark, and April get damage control.
1. Act 1: The Sound of Yes

Disclaimer: I own a few things, and if you sue me you'll get no money! I'm a poor enlisted in the Navy! And my co-writer isn't any richer then me! Why sue us? -sniff-

Notes: Elaine wanted to be in peril, and not of the Monty Python kind.

Synopsis: Doctor Dabree has returned for her revenge against Solo, and is using Elaine as bait! In the meantime we have Celeste dealing with an old boyfriend, her sister dealing with a dog, and Illya dealing damage control. How will things turn out?

CULTURE SHOCK

**Part 5: The Fine Furry Friend Affair**

"I can't believe you told Illya that story." Elaine muttered as she took out the file needed for the report.

"I swear, it was the tequila talking," Celeste told her, "and he told me an embarrassing story about Solo in return. Wanna hear it? It involves him pretended to be a geeky secretary and--."

Elaine closed the file drawer loudly. "No."

Celeste blinked as she regained her hearing before saying, "What's wrong with you? It's been about a week since then and you're still after Illya for the little things. I thought he apologized by giving you that newspaper or whatever from the last assignment that took them near--."

"He did."

"So what's the problem?"

Elaine turned to her friend. "You told him about Napoleon and that very _Love Hina _moment. I was mortified by it and didn't find it funny. Besides," she shifted, "a man is not allowed peeping privileges until the third week into a relationship with me."

Celeste blinked at that before saying, "But we've been here longer then that. I mean, almost three months by now."

Elaine cast her a glare. "I meant dating, dear, which, we are not, so..."

Celeste let out a sigh. "You were in the Navy and _still _have that concept in your mind?"

"Shore squid, remember?"

Celeste gave a smile. "So I do now. I keep forgetting you didn't have that stint onboard a ship to relieve you of any concepts of dignity that boot camp didn't already take away. One learns their lesson after having to walk through the corridors with only a towel between them and streaking...but seriously, what's the matter?"

Elaine paused before saying, "I think you're lucky. I mean, you have your lust-object. Mine is...well..."

Celeste rolled her eyes. "Elaine, mine knows how to disarm high-explosive items and yet can't understand how to not set up an explosive situation or defuse it quickly. Yours at least understands the fairer sex. Mine needs a road map, written instructions, or his partner to do it."

Elaine nodded in agreement. "Density must be a male thing. But I'll keep all of your earlier instructions about how to keep doctors off should I ever actually land in the hospital."

Celeste frowned. "_That's _what this is about? I never viewed you as the masochistic type." She paused. "Well, other then verbally."

"That's not it and you know it."

"Yeah right." Celeste gave a suggestive smile. "You're in need of some peril, aren't you?"

Elaine gave her an innocent look. "Why, do I look like I need it?"

Celeste gave a small snort. "I'm actually amazed you haven't posted those pictures, as the amount of peril _I've _been getting--."

"In what context, snuggle-bunny?"

Celeste stopped short at that and looked up at her. "I thought we talked about that nickname."

Elaine crossed her arm. "My point remains: what type of peril are _you _talking about?"

Celeste frowned, obviously confused. "Peril...you know. Monty Python, Castle Anthrax..."

Elaine nodded in understanding. "Ah, yes," she quote simply, the English accent coming easily to her, "'Bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear—'. That would be some nice peril, but if it could be preceded by actual physical danger, well..."

Celeste had gone red though, and a new voice came in as Elaine finished. "What, exactly, are you two talking about?"

Elaine felt herself turn red and refused to turn around as Celeste said quietly after a cough. "Um...peril, sir."

"Why on earth for, and what did that have to do with the first part of her sentence?"

Elaine and Celeste both looked like sinking into a puddle and falling through cracks on the floor would be a good thing at this point.

"Um...we were quoting a movie...they used peril as a...um..."

"I think I get the idea. Never mind. Back to work."

The two let out audible sighs as Elaine retreated to work and Celeste sat down before Waverly asked, "Does she really want to get herself into peril of either nature?"

_This man would make a good match to my almost-grandmother...he's about as understanding and makes the strangest remarks..._"I don't honestly know, sir, but I wouldn't put it past her."

Waverly harrumphed, "Peril is never a substitute for...peril..."

"I'm not showing you the movie so you can get it, sir, I left it at home."

"Drat. Well, carry on."

Celeste nodded and wondered when she had become the Blockbuster of UNCLE.

* * *

"And how is your leg, Doctor?"

"It aches from time to time, but it is nothing I cannot bear." The woman settled down into her seat with a faint wince of pain which turned into a tight smile when her assistant placed a file folder at the table in front of her. "Now is the time we act, Ethan. I trust this is the information I asked for?"

"Yes, Doctor." Ethan rubbed his hands together nervously, watching as his mentor opened the file. "They keep her on a tight leash, but from what we've been able to gather..." He waited for her to reach the packet of photographs that had been included along with numerous case reports, then continued, "Her name is Elaine Salomon, Doctor, and she appears to work for UNCLE as a linguist and file clerk. Fluent in three languages other than English, proficient in two more..."

"Yes, yes. I can read, you know." The doctor skimmed idly through each report, pausing only to linger over the photographs. "Charming, in a crude sort of way. Were it not for her involvement in the recent incident with the Carruthers family, one would think her social skills were limited to off-color jokes and belching tricks. Yet for some unfathomable reason Solo seems to find her appealing enough to be seen with her more than once in a great while."

"A fact that amazes me too, Doctor."

A particularly dark look focused on one scene that captured the young woman in question on a lunch date, laughing over some bit of wit offered by her companion. "It seems that there is no accounting for taste in this case, Ethan, but were it not for his persistent larking habits one could almost suspect him of finally falling into monogamy." She closed the folder and steepled her hands, deep in thought. "Take her at your earliest convenience and by whatever means necessary. I shall have my revenge and no one will stand in my way."

_Act 1: The Sound of "Yes"_

Most of the staff in the Translation section had clocked out for lunch, the few remaining either absorbed in urgent matters or having made other arrangements. Elaine had finished her daily tasks with her usual efficiency and now sat whiling the remainder of her time away with a newspaper from her region of interest. Her mind was split between deciphering the challenging text and the anticipation of an unpleasant reality that lurked just minutes away, carried along the hallway on the firm footfalls of immaculately polished dress shoes, and when the office door next opened she spared a glance over the top of the paper to confirm her suspicion.  
_  
Remember, he is too good to be true,_ Elaine told herself, holding the paper up to form a barrier between herself and this latest visitor. _Exhibit A: The Suit. No matter what kind of scrapes he gets into, he always emerges as clean and tidy as before he went in. Check for cleaners' tags at next available opportunity._ The newspaper provided ample cover for her to casually listen to the snippets of conversation that sprang up in the visitor's wake, and Elaine forced herself to focus anew on the intricacies of Yugoslavian print articles as the footsteps paused next to her. A faint rustle of fabric and creak of metal showed that he had stopped to perch on the edge of the desk. "Anything worth reading today?"

"No," said Elaine after some moments' pause, finding it necessary to mouth the words she read aloud in order to keep her focus. "At least nothing that you would find interesting, Mr. Solo."

"Anything can be interesting in the right context, Miss Salomon," came the faintly teasing reply, along with a careful motion with an index finger to hook the top of the newspaper and tug it away from Elaine's grasp. This was met with a raptor-fast strike of the girl's hand, flicking the intruder away so that she could resume her reading unmolested. Napoleon winced at the brief pain but nonetheless persisted. "Why don't you take a break from the dealings of our good Josip Broz and come to lunch with me?"

"No." Elaine turned a page, dove into the next article as a refuge from this continuing assault of charm. _Work is more important than any guy ever will be, or that's what you kept telling yourself while you were studying this stuff at school._

This was met with a puzzled sound, then, "No? What do you mean, no?"

"Precisely what I said. No, as in the opposite of yes."

"Ah." Pause, then, "That's what I thought. I'm not used to hearing that from you – I think I prefer the sound of 'yes.' So much lighter on the ears than the negative - "

Grumbling irritably to herself, Elaine lowered the newspaper and fixed Napoleon in what she hoped was an intimidating glare. "Then go ask one of the other members of the flock, Mr. Solo. I'm sure they can afford to oblige you, but I have five more pages of _Politika _to get through before I can leave my desk without catching any flak for it. I won't leave unless you can find someone else to read this, and before you say it, I highly doubt Illya would be willing to play accomplice to one of your whims this time. After all, he was so kind as to help me find more appropriate reading material and might take it as a personal insult if I brushed aside his efforts."

"Fair enough, Miss Salomon." Napoleon rose from his seat on the desk's edge, allowing Elaine a courteous nod before moving away. "Pardon my intrusion."

* * *

"So you told him no this time, huh?" Celeste grinned over the top of her recently emptied shot glass before setting it down next to a cluster of its fellows. The two young women had adjourned to a familiar club after the conclusion of that day's work, eager to get a start on that weekend's leisure while on pretext of keeping the establishment under surveillance. Due to the unique nature of said club and a prior incident that the two had taken part in under its roof, it had been easy to convince the authorities of the necessity for their presence, and Celeste and Elaine had gladly exchanged the confines of their business attire for garb more suitable for relaxation. Food and drinks had soon followed, the tab discreetly overlooked by the club's owner who still remembered their part in salvaging his business from an unsavory reputation. "A lunch invitation like that in front of witnesses is usually cause for an emotional Chernobyl on your part, dear. What's up with the sudden change?"

"You shouldn't need to ask that and you know it." Elaine listlessly twirled her straw between thumb and index finger as she waited for the bar staff to bring her latest order to the table. "It's ironic that you should invoke the Soviets in relation to this catastrophe, you know?"

Celeste nodded thanks to the waitress who had chosen the path of expedience and simply brought the bottle of her chosen beverage instead of renewing the flow of shot glasses, pouring herself a fresh drink and sighing at Elaine's remark. "Don't tell me you're still upset over what Illya did. He told me that you two made peace..."

"After a fashion," Elaine replied, switching her straw into a fresh glass full of something blue, fruity, and mercifully unidentifiable. "Doesn't change the fact that he was an ass about it."

A cough as the next shot burned its way down Celeste's esophagus, then, "Well, Napoleon's obviously moved on. Why can't you? It was just a stupid mistake."

"Spiritual wounds take longer to heal than physical wounds." Elaine took a long pull on her drink, then muttered, "Which explains why I get panic attacks whenever I step foot in a shipyard or get pissed off when I think about that man-whore I dated in school... or can't help shaking my head when I think about some of the talks I've had with your sister, for example. Talk about agreeing to disagree, huh?" Hearing the muted conversation of the bouncer with a new guest, Elaine turned slightly to see who it was and nearly choked on her drink. A few vigorous chest thumps and startled blinks later, she turned back to Celeste and muttered, "Okay, I think it's time I called it a night and poured myself into bed. Guess who just showed up?"

Celeste looked over and her eyes took on a look that only happened when that certain person was around. She stood, added a tip for the waiter, then said, "Come on, I'll get you home. Besides, I need to--."

"SHE'S FRIENDLY, DON'T WORRY!" The frantic shout caused both girls to turn as a streak of black and brown raced over and jumped onto Celeste, panting and licking the side of her face and ear before doing a turn and repeating the process on Elaine.

"Damn it, HAZEL! Wait, Hazel?"

The recipient of the name, a medium-sized dog with multiple heritage, all of them fighting or fast dogs, and German-Shepard coloring, looked over at her with the panting smile that was one of her two looks, the other being serious or 'sad puppy' look.

Celeste reached down to grab the leash just as Hazel jumped barking at the man who had been making his way over and growling as she did, baring teeth when a winded-looking girl with short hair raced up. "Sorry about—Celeste?"

"Sue, what is Hazel doing here? For that matter, what are _you _doing here?"

"I came here because it was a good vegetarian restaurant here, and I wanted to check it out. Hi Elaine."

"Hey. Wait, aren't you in Berkley or something?"

"Or something, and yeah. I just found out about this place. Isn't it cool? I mean, it defies about a few--."

"Sue, my head hurts from remembering what this place defies and I come here a few times when I'm allowed."

"So—allowed? What the hell? Didn't you _just _get to New York, what do you mean _allowed?_"

Hazel jumped again, not barking this time, as she pulled Celeste around in a circle while she jumped up to lick the newcomer's face—that of Illya Kuryakin.

"ACK!"

"Crap. Hazel, down! I said—DOWN!" a pull and Hazel was down, her tail wagging quickly as she looked up at Illya, who was rubbing the side of his face.

"Friend of yours, or the reason you licked my face earlier?"

"She's my dad's dog, and I'm drilling my sister as to why--."

"—you licked his face earlier."

"He didn't give me a sandwich."

Sue's eyebrows raised at the statement. "You've been in New York one day and you've licked a man's face because he didn't give you a sandwich? Are you okay?"

"It's a long story," Elaine said, "But speaking of those, where's your attachment?"

Celeste sighed as Sue gave her a look then glanced back at Celeste. "I don't know what you mean."

"David."

"Oh, _him._ We're...seeing other people."

Hazel whined as Celeste added in, "He pulled the 'me or your family' card again during Christmas and tried to say something about how I lived at the time."

"Celeste!"

"Elaine's almost my sister, and I...well..." she looked at Illya, "What are we, exactly?"

"I am not sure," he told her as Hazel seemed to get friendly with him while he tried to avoid her, "but we are more then acquaintances."

"Which means my life gets to be put out before them?"

Celeste looked up as she added in, "Elaine's got men problems and wants to put her life in mortal peril before being in Monty Python peril. Illya's a spy. Hazel is neutered. Now that everyone's love-life is out, can we change subjects?"

Sue stopped then held out her hand, "Suzanne Lancaster-Morin, Celeste's sister, but call me Sue. You are?"

"Illya Kuryakin, and as she said, things are...complicated."

Sue nodded then held out her hand to take Hazel's leash. "How late is it in New York?"

Elaine checked her watch then said, "Late enough. We need to get back. Besides, when you leave," she looked around and nodded in the appropriate direction, "_he's _going to come over."

Sue looked over and her face turned stony while Hazel growled again. "I see. Want me to sick Hazel on him?"

"You've turned violent, and no, thanks though," Celeste smiled at her sister, then said, "See you later, okay?"

"Okay, but explanations are going to be required at that point in time!"

With a nod, the trio left as Illya asked, "And who, exactly, is that man?"

"Bad news and not a topic we're discussing at this moment. Let's go."

* * *

Sue watched the group leaving and frowned. "That's the way out into the 1960's? Celeste, you have a lot to explain to me now!"

Hazel moved against the leash and Sue gave a smile. "Why not? Let's get a pass and see what we can find out for them, huh Hazel? You wanna go into the past to, don't you?"

Hazel gave a smile with her tongue hanging out as they went to find the right place so she could find out what her sister was doing that involved a blond spy with a slight Russian accent.

* * *

Elaine safely to bed, Celeste wasn't surprised to find Illya at the couch, obviously waiting for an explanation as to who it had been in the bar that made Hazel so upset. She sat next to him and said, "Go away, Illya."

"If he is causing you--."

"He isn't. I am. Now go away. I'm not discussing it."

Illya tilted his head to get a better look at her. "You are...emo."

"Seriously, out."

Illya sat back. "And you are also not very good at it."

"Elaine's got the monopoly, I'm supposed to be the happy one. But if you really _have _to know in order to get you out the door without using force or other means, then he is my ex-boyfriend and one of the main reasons I opted to drive cross-country after I left the Navy. He was stuck in San Diego and, if I was in New York or Maine or anywhere else, he couldn't bother me, right? Changing of phone numbers would be in order as well as changing address and being happy the family wouldn't give him the time of day or a drink of water in the desert. Hazel loves everyone, in case you didn't notice. The only two times any of us have seen her angry is in defense of us from strangers, and that's if we have bad feelings about them. Mom got upset over a visitor once, and he's the only man that Hazel snarled at, besides my ex."

"Who's name is?"

"Why, so you can change history or something? He's stuck in that bar and can't find me during the day. I'm not about to talk to him at all and I know how to use mace. Hell, I had to get sprayed with it to learn, you know how annoying that is?"

"Yes, but you are not listening to my questions."

Celeste stopped before telling him, "His name is Michael. He was onboard my ship and was good at wooing girls. I was his shipboard romance while he had a fiancée on the shore. Then he had another girlfriend on the ship and I dumped him. He tried to get me back after things moved too fast for his fiancée and she left for her home. Then his girlfriend got pregnant through her husband and left him. Then I left." She shrugged. "He sapped me into thinking he was a good guy. He wasn't. Wasn't that great of a lay, either—I've done—well...we'll leave it at I do better by myself then he does."

Illya waited then said, "Would me going with you there help?"

"It's not you, or Elaine, or Sue or even Hazel," she leaned forward. "I can't get it through my thick skull when he's around that he's just a loser. That he shouldn't mean that much to me still. Like I said, distance should've worked."

"What about friends?"

"Them too."

Illya nodded his understanding then told her, "If he does find you, I shall handle him."

"You don't have to."

"No, I do not, but I will anyway."

Celeste didn't say anything as Illya stood and left the room, leaving her with her thoughts and doubts.

* * *

"They did what?"

Sue waited as she heard about the fact that her sister and best friend had apparently helped save the club from disgrace.

"It was cool," the guy said, "and those spy-people they were with did well too. One of them was this dark-haired guy and he was suave. He ordered a lot of martini's with little vermouth and two onions--."

_Trust a bartender to remember that..._Sue thought as she got her ticket. "So where are they?"

"Huh? Oh, they would be at UNCLE HQ."

"Uncle who?"

"U.N.C.L.E. United Network Command of Law Enforcement. Spies meet cops. Go to Del Floria's and ask for her there, maybe they'll help you out."

"And how do I get to Del Floria's. For that matter, where and what is Del Floria's?"

Directions and an outfit for blending in later, Sue was out in New York during a summer morning and in search of her sister.

Back in the bar, the dirty-blond haired man walked up to say, "Hey, I'm Celeste Lancaster's boyfriend. I was wondering..."

* * *

Napoleon walked up and knocked on the door, waiting for someone to open it as he heard coughing and laughter from the other side. A short moment later, Elaine opened the door, frowning upon seeing him. "What?"

"I thought I would get a better reception then that," he said, looking in to where Celeste was giggling on the sofa while the line of the song came to his hearing. "_I'm going to tell the world your rubbish now/ And that you're small in the game..._"

"She needed cheering up," Elaine told him.

"Illya told me," Napoleon said, "Which is why I needed your help. I was going on a covert mission to get some more supplies for you two."

"We have a list, you know."

"Yes, but covert missions are more my style."

"You want to get her a present and make Illya give it to her?"

"Pretty much."

Elaine thought a moment, then yelled, "I'll be back. Napoleon needs me to help him out with something."

"REALLY?" the suggestive tone came through the music.

"Zachepi usta, beeotch."

"Tu callas, hembra!"

Elaine shut the door as Napoleon asked, "Why were you two yelling at each other like that?"

"Letting off steam. It happens. So, where are we going?"

* * *

Ethan let out a small smile as he saw his opportunity to take the girl. While he wanted to take the UNCLE man as well, he was sure it would cause him more pain to know that he failed to help this one that meant so much to him.

Doctor Dabree will be very pleased with him today.


	2. Act 2: A Pound of Flesh

_Act 2: "A Pound of Flesh, No More, No Less..."_

"Found it!" Elaine held up her prize happily as Napoleon eyed the book with a slightly dubious look. "WHAT?"

"Why that?"

"Her dad got her into them, so she's been reading more of them then usual. I guess she likes them. Plus, she wanted to let me borrow one later."

Napoleon nodded as _Black Easter_ was added to the stack. "I don't see why she would want this book."

"Her dad lost his copy. It's where her ideas on magic come from, more often then not. You wanted a gift."

Napoleon smiled. "And this would be a gift Illya would give her. Alright then, ready?"

At Elaine's nod, Napoleon paid for the books and put them into the bags as the two walked out of the small store, groceries, essentials and a gift to Celeste in the bags.

* * *

"I," Sue complained as she stopped at another place to get some water for the ailing pup, "don't like New York. I want to be back on the west coast and my own time."

Hazel lapped up the water gratefully as Sue looked up upon hearing a car screech around the corner. An avid cyclist, she knew the sound of angry drivers when she heard it and blinked in surprise as the car nearly hit two people who were starting to get into a car, a cloud of strange gas filling the air and a familiar red-haired girl being dragged into the car before the door closed and it took off.

"Elaine?" Hazel's barking and then sudden tearing down the street, nearly taking out Sue's arm as she did, caused her to use the car that Elaine had been getting into, a sporty convertible that probably got horrible gas mileage, to stop it as the man in it slowly came to while groaning, looking over at her. "Who are you?"

"Suzanne," she told him, pulling Hazel back, "Lancaster."

The dark-haired man was someone who appeared to be the quintessential American male of the 1960's: tall, handsome, well-dressed and, while confused, obviously in control.

"Lancaster? As in Lancaster-Morin?"

Sue blinked as Hazel came over and jumped into the back seat of the car, whining at Sue to do the same. She looked at the dog, then at the man before nodding. "Yeah. I came to see my sister, Celeste. Um...you wouldn't know her, would you?"

* * *

"Sue, what the hell are you doing—HAZEL, OFF—here?"

Sue shifted as she held Hazel back after the required greeting. "I...well...I wanted to see how you were. I mean, like I should trust the blond guy!"

Celeste glared at her. "_Hazel _trusted him."

"_Hazel _would lick a burglar to death!"

Illya walked in and was greeted much the same way as before, though he was able to hold her off for a minute longer then last time. "I take it you have a pass?"

"Of course I do," Sue said, "And I want to know what it was that needed approvals and stuff. I mean, you're out of the military, that's the only thing I could think of that needed approvals, and now I find out you're in the past with whoever these guys are and they keep you under lock and key! Really, Celeste..."

Celeste ran a hand through her hair before saying, "Sue, I don't need a protester right now, I need my sister! Someone kidnapped Elaine and we don't know what is or will happen to her, or even who got her. And if it's the evil-doers with a bird fetish and baby-blue coveralls--."

Napoleon walked in with the file as she stopped. "Sadly, it is."

"Bird fetish?"

"They're called THRUSH," Celeste told her sister, "and they don't like people like you, me, or anyone else with an idea unless it's geared towards taking over the world."

"So like terrorists we keep hearing about?"

Celeste frowned. "No and yes. These guys want to take over the world, not just make it a scary place to live in, but they use some of the same tactics."

Sue sighed. "Great. So they have Elaine?"

Napoleon nodded. "But that's not the bad part. The man described is called Ethan, and he's a slight defector of THRUSH with another one, this one a doctor Illya and I ran into before."

Sue looked at the two. "A doctor? What's this doctor do?"

Illya told her simply, "Give people a mental defect, too small to notice at first, until they start making too many mistakes to salvage their career or that ends up bringing down their empires. They almost did the same to our Section Head, Mr. Waverly, but luckily were thwarted."

Napoleon cleared his throat as he pulled up a picture of a lady with thick glasses and frizzy hair, a streak of white going down the side.

"You went after the Bride of Frankenstein?"

"Her name," Napoleon said, "is Doctor Dabree. She's a high THRUSH scientist...well, she was. All indications show that after the failed Affair involving her, she slowly fell down the chain until she left the group. She still has a few contacts, but her biggest supporter is this Ethan fellow."

Illya shrugged as he sat, Hazel wandering over to put her head on his lap as he gave her a glare. "You'd think she'd have others. I thought that nurse was with her still."

Celeste quickly took the file from Napoleon and flipped through it before saying, "That one died in a raid, right before Dabree left."

Sue looked over her shoulder then frowned. "Section Two, Number One was heading it...Who's that?"

"Napoleon," Celeste told her as she closed the file. Sue seemed to frown even more at that.

"And Napoleon was the one who got Mr. Waverly out and ended her career to a point, right?"

"He also sent her down an elevator shaft," Illya put in, "and made her partner a permanent mental vegetable."

Sue looked at Celeste, who paused then raised her eyes upward. "Ye gods, you don't really think--."

"He killed off your partner in crime, all but pushed you down an elevator shaft--."

Napoleon started to protest as Sue continued, "—and then, during a raid, kills off another of your trusted companions. I'm amazed you haven't been taken!"

"I was sulking in my room, and Illya was doing something else. They went out to get us supplies and this happens, so I feel bad enough, thanks sis."

Sue shook her head. "Not that! This is about him!" she pointed at Napoleon. "She wants revenge against him."

* * *

Elaine looked around the small cell she had been given and leaned back against the padded cushion that was the main comfort in the room. The doorway was opened but after having tried to escape that way and receiving a shock as way of reprimand for going near the door, as well as discovering the ornate collar around her neck, she was going to have to be content with simply sitting there and waiting for rescue.

She was in peril, like she wanted, and now she wanted out of it.

The man who had kidnapped her appeared at the door with a tray full of the finest foods, smiling as he placed it on the table nearby. "I hope you like it," he told her with a shy smile. "I mean, we don't know what your favorite food is, but I did make you some delicious stuff, and tea! I hope you--."

"I want," Elaine said, "out. Or in the very least, to know what's going on here."

A new voice, this one scratchy and causing a shiver to run down Elaine's spine, said, "You are part of my experiment, as well as part of the bait."

Elaine looked over at the chubby woman who stood before her, smiling cruelly at her as the man walked over and Elaine swallowed. "Bait? Experiment? Who are you, and who am I bait for?"

"I am Doctor Dabree," the woman told her with a slight bow, "I specialize in human behavior and the brain, the mind. I once had Alexander Waverly in my grasp, and because of your Mr. Solo," the name was said spitefully, "I lost everything. Just recently he lead an assault that cost me my protégée, one I had worked quite hard on. I want him to suffer for all that I have lost at his hands. He will pay his pound of flesh, and you, my dear, you are Bassinio to his Antonio. For you, he shall come here, and for that, I shall have what I require of him."

Elaine felt her mind working rapidly and came back with, "Shylock converted, though, and couldn't take that pound because he never said he would spill a drop of blood. My friends will save me and you'll fail like everyone else looking to kill him."

Dabree's smile never faltered as she told Elaine. "Oh, but I will. I will be the one to succeed, and you, my dear, shall do nothing about it."

* * *

Napoleon sat skimming through the files again, Hazel's head in his lap almost a comfort while Illya did what he could with the computers, Celeste and her sister having left to check on the computers in her own room.

A frustrated groan and flopping of Celeste into a chair made him look up. "Nothing?"

"Nothing," Sue said as she walked over to pet Hazel, "and if there was, it was blocked. I dislike time-travel."

Celeste sat back up. "Good, then I'm taking you back to the club."

"What?"

Celeste gave her sister a scathing look. "You heard me. Things have gotten dangerous and I'm not about to have you be in danger too."

"I'm a big girl, I can--."

Celeste glared fully at her sister now. "You brought _Hazel _with you as protection, and these guys will not hesitate to kill you if they have the chance, and kill Hazel. I'm not putting you in danger, now we're going and you're not coming back!"

Sue started to protest when Napoleon held out a hand. "You're sister's right, Sue. It will be dangerous and you should be somewhere safe. At least there the security is a tight as here, and I would hate for you to miss a date or time with a friend."

Sue looked over at them before Illya spoke up, "Unless the young lady would enjoy being in danger from such things as bullets and those who would do her harm, I see no reason for her or the…dog…to stay."

Celeste crossed her arms as Sue looked back at her then sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll leave. But you're escorting me out of here, and not with the bad juju magnets." She cast a glare at both Solo and Kuryakin.

Celeste nodded and gave her a small smile. "I'll see who Mr. Waverly can pull for a quick drop and go, and when we get back, if you remember all this, I'll tell you how things turned out."

Sue watched Celeste leave then looked over at Illya. "You didn't have to butt in. I was going to go anyway."

Napoleon smiled as he petted Hazel himself. "It helps." He frowned at a thought then asked, "How good is Hazel's nose?"

"Like the rest of her, probably hyper and not focused on anything. Why?"

* * *

"Thanks for the help April, Mark," Celeste said as they walked back towards the club.

"Think nothing of it, sweet," Mark Slate told her with a smile, "I was getting a little bored there, anyway, and always glad to meet a sibling."

Sue smiled, chatting with April about being the newest and one of the first full-time female recruits into Section 2, as well as other things about her. Hazel was attached to Celeste at the moment and luckily not giving her trouble.

"Besides," April said, "seems like only yesterday I was told to go in and gas the two of you."

"Gas?"

"Elaine didn't want to leave the room, and I wasn't far behind her on the idea," Celeste explained, "though after leaving it was pretty fun. We got to take over a THRUSH base for a little while. After that we helped out the club, then Elaine got to be a lady, and then Illya got to learn how to play dad."

"And this is turning into a longer story for you to tell me then I expected," Sue pointed out right before there was a sound nearby and Hazel, pausing before growling at a man in the shadows.

"Celeste?" the voice was tentative and Celeste turned as Sue took the leash from her and stood in front, April and Mark flanking her and watching the road and the man.

"Hi Michael. To what do I owe this unexpected visit?" Celeste said, her voice icy.

"I wanted to see you again. You left without much word."

Sue glared at him. "There was a reason for that, wasn't there? I think there were a few, if I remember her drunken-calling me while crying her eyes out. She laid it out for me in great detail, and then she calls to tell me she's heading for the East Coast, and the reason was you, specifically, and your stalker-like attempts to get her back."

Michael looked a little angry at the accusations but stayed his distance as Hazel snarled once more, warning him away. "I didn't…Celeste…"

Celeste looked down, took a breath, then said, "You did. You did a lot of things, Michael, and I am not going to take you back. I came here for a reason and I broke up with you for a reason. Get over yourself and move on. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to get going."

The group turned, Hazel pulled from her growling at him as Michael finally yelled, "So you don't want to know where Elaine is? Fine! See if I ca--."

Sue let Hazel go, satisfied at the yelp of fear it got from Michael as he tried to get away from her, taking shelter a littler higher but effectively trapping himself as the rest raced over, Celeste's face covered with anger and betrayal. "_You…you…bastard! I should let Hazel get you!_"

April waited as Mark called it in while she took charge of Hazel before saying, "You really need to work on your wooing skills, Mike."

* * *

Elaine looked at the food dubiously after the guy and Dabree had left. She paused as she sat, examining the various meat, vegetables and everything else that smelled cooked to perfection, making her mouth water. With a frown she replaced the top and quickly drank the water, happy at the clear taste and no other flavors mingled in.

_So how long can you last off water alone? Longer then without, I guess, but long enough for rescue._

With a sigh, she scratched at the top of the collar and frowning. "Stupid thing."

Still, the scratching felt nice, and she continued around the top then the bottom of the collar before working towards her back and stretching as she did. That shouldn't feel so good, but it did and after a moment she sat on the comfortable bed and almost continued, but her arms didn't twist that way.

"Here," a voice made her tense before she felt the hands rubbing her back. "Let me."

The guy from before…oh hell—that felt so good…

She smiled as he rubbed her on the back and, before she completely blacked out to pleasure, realized that she was starting to purr.

* * *

The phone call was unexpected, but afterwards Napoleon realized he should've guessed it would come.

With a quick scribble of the place, he headed out, happy that no one noticed him leaving.

_I need to make it up to her. This grudge is against me, not her. I will save her._


	3. Act 3: Just Another Picture to Burn

_Act 3: "Just Another Picture to Burn"_

Celeste was close to screaming at someone, of that much Sue was sure when she finally met Mr. Waverly outside of the viewing room while thinking of a way to approach Michael for the information that wouldn't involve heavy-handed tactics. Elaine was in danger, and if Michael did know where she was, then he needed to give it up.

The random thought of letting Hazel go at him like Hooch in that movie came up but was tossed as she was quite sure Hazel would rather kill him then just hold him down.

"So I take it no new ideas for asking him," Waverly said, sitting next to her.

"Other then telling Hazel, 'get him' and watching? No, not just yet," she sighed, then frowned at a thought. "I might need to talk to Celeste and Illya about a thought I just had…or maybe Mark and April. Where are they all?"

A few directions and calls later, Sue told Celeste her plan.

"You're serious."

"How pissed was he that you took all the photos and didn't give him any? Trust me, this will work."

"So why are you calling in Mark and April?"

"Mark has to hold Hazel back. April has to be ready with a sleeping gas to make sure she doesn't kill him if he tries to go after you."

Celeste paused, then nodded. "Fine. Sir?"

Waverly gave a small, curt nod. "Do it. If we don't get any information this way, we always have veridicals."

"What?" Sue asked, confused.

"Truth serum. I'd prefer beating or scaring him into confessing…"

"Celeste--."

"We are not THRUSH, and have to return him anyway," Waverly pointed out curtly.

"Damn."

* * *

Ethan smiled slightly as Elaine arched under his touch, a small smile of contentment on her face. He didn't think the drug would work, but it appeared to work very well. She would slowly get into the idea of being a type of pet, and he enjoyed the fact that he could keep her.

Or could he? Doctor Dabree did say her whole purpose was bait and experiment. When it was all done, would she be sent away, or even killed?

Ethan moved his hand to ruffle her hair before moving up and waiting. She looked up at him, confusion in her eyes at everything and he gave her a smile. "Try to eat something, okay? You'll need your strength."

She shook her head, yawning loudly.

"Why not?"

"Drugged," she whispered before curling up a little more and falling asleep, "waiting."

Ethan sighed. "He won't rescue you."

"Don't care," was her last words before a soft sound signaled her transition into sleep.

Ethan left the room and walked back over to where Doctor Dabree sat, her death-trap for Solo ready and waiting. "Ah, Ethan, please help me adjust this."

"Of course, Doctor," Ethan said as he complied then noticed Doctor Dabree watching him. Feeling himself blush under the scrutiny, he said simply, "I…um…"

"This is about her and her ultimate destiny, isn't it?"

Ethan nodded and Dabree gave him a pat on the cheek. "Do not fret, my dear. I don't see any reason to toss her away after this. Besides, one could use a pet to show how responsible one is, and you are quite responsible, aren't you?"

Ethan smiled and nodded at that. "So, I mean…I can? Keep her, after all of this? She might not like it."

"Oh, it will be necessary for her to witness it, to help in Solo's final defeat, but she will get over it. I'm sure you can help her in that, can't you Ethan?"

Ethan smiled and nodded enthusiastically, happy in the knowledge that the red-haired beauty would be his.

* * *

The first two who came in were Sue and Celeste, Celeste holding a small shoebox that rattled a little with something as it was set down. Next came Mark, led in by Hazel, and April, who was holding the sleeping gas container and had a smile on her face as Michael backed away, Hazel growling the minute she saw him.

"Tell us," Celeste said, "where Elaine is."

Michael looked over at Hazel, then at Celeste and Sue, before saying, "Only if you promise to come back with me, Celeste. Only if you--."

The box flipped open and a picture was pulled out, one of their first time together. Celeste handed it over to Sue, who produced a small lighter and proceeded to set it on fire.

"What are you--." He stopped his advance when Mark let Hazel get closer and she growled at him, stopping him short as another two pictures were burned.

"The song goes well against you," Celeste told him, "you're just another picture to burn, Michael, and one that I'm NOT going to go back with, not about to go back to, and not going to think about anymore. I'm sick of you acting like an ass to me. I'm sick of you thinking you can woo me back to you when my friend's in danger, and I'm _seriously_," she took the lighter and pulled out the second-to-last photo, burning it herself and tossing the last part, near ashes, at him, "pissed at you thinking you can weasel your way back into my life but holding information about my friend and where she is from me. In case you didn't notice, we're dead-fucking _serious_ about this and if you don't give it up, and I mean _fucking now_, then you are in deeper shit then you've _ever _been in."

Silence filled the room for all of two seconds before she reached in for the last picture and Michael blurted out, "Down at the docks, Warehouse 34! I swear, I didn't realize it would mean so much to you! I just…I just…they asked me about her. And about you. Said I could get a pass if I helped them--."

Celeste stood, leaving the room as Mark, dragging Hazel, and April left as well. Sue paused and picked up the picture, then smiled at Michael. "Thanks."

With that, she ripped the picture in half, gave him the half showing him, and walked out with the rest of the group.

* * *

"He did WHAT?"

Illya glared at the empty desk and then looked over at Celeste. "I claim all rights to his retribution on this."

"Before or after I get him with my 2x4 of Common Sense?"

Mark and April looked at the two before Illya said, "No, I want that."

"I'll help."

"Mates," Mark put in, "can we go after them now and worry about that stuff later?"

Celeste nodded to Illya. "Go get him back, but I get to watch when you decide what punishment he deserves."

"Agreed."

Illya walked out, Mark and April following with dubious looks before April whispered, "I don't want to get Illya mad."

"No, we don't."


	4. Act 4: Tooth and Claw

_Act 4: "Tooth and Claw"_

Napoleon probably should've considered he was walking into a trap when he went after Elaine, but just as truthfully he had thought it would be a simple one. He had not expected the same freeze-gun that the other Section 2 agents had been subjected to, not after all of them had been lost to Avian or others. So when he was woken up with a splitting head ache, it was to find himself strung up spread-eagle in the air, braces on his wrist and elbows, as well as his ankles and knees making it impossible to get to any of his devices that might help him with escaping or even moving. He winced as the dim lights came up a little more to illuminate his condition and he heard Dabree say simply, "So good of you to join us, Mr. Solo. I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting Miss Salomon's arrival as well. No worries, of course. My Ethan is taking good care of her."

Napoleon glared at her past the headache before saying, "This isn't about her, Dabree. You have me. Let her go."

Dabree gave a cackling laugh that made Napoleon wince slightly at the sound, his head protesting the loud sound and the bright light after whatever that dart was that hit him. "Let her go, Mr. Solo? After all that has happened because of you," her eyes behind the thick glasses turned deadly as she moved forward, gazing up and him with deep venom, "I should just let her go? I think not. Ethan wants to keep her. He's taken a liking to her, you see, and I believe he'll do better for her then you will. Still, it will be quite nice for you to see the effects of one of my newest creations. After that, though, I'm afraid you'll have to give me what is coming. _A pound of flesh, no more, no less…_"

Napoleon fought back a shudder at the pronouncement before saying, "I hope you don't expect to get any blood out of that either."

Dabree glared at him before turning away, stalking out of the room as the lights dimmed again and Napoleon was left to wait and hope he could get Elaine out of this.

* * *

"Suzanne Alejandra Lancaster-Morin!"

Celeste looked around the empty room and tried very hard to not scream anymore, or to hit a wall. That would hurt.

"You are _so dead!_"

* * *

The car stopped abruptly and Sue kept her hand over Hazel's muzzle to keep her quite as the sound of the others closing the door was heard and they headed towards the warehouse. She hadn't mentioned to her sister, or any of them in fact, that she was going to go along and had been holding the trunk shut for the past mile or so it had taken to get them there. She had also been holding Hazel, who remained quiet for once, and after another count of 60 she slowly raised the trunk and looked around before letting Hazel out and getting out herself, closing the trunk as quietly as possible before looking around and picking the back entrance to go through.

After all, if she saved Elaine, that would count against her sister's wrath…right?

* * *

She was jostled as she was picked up, waking her as her head came to rest on Ethan's shoulder and causing her to frown at the comfortable position. Why was he moving her? She was sleepy still, and was waiting to be helped by Solo, as much as she didn't want to admit it. Because if he came in then she could at least know Illya was nearby, and after that Celeste and maybe those two…what were their names? Mark Slate and April Dancer. April was nice, for all that she knocked them out with that sleeping gas and Mark was okay too, even if it appeared he shouldn't have been in the field. He was still nice and helped to break in April, and had stories about when Napoleon had first came into the field and been assigned to New York.

She sighed and resigned herself to being moved, some part of her screaming that she should move herself, not be so lazy that he moves her! _Hostage situation if held for a while is that you do what you can to cooperate but not cooperate, to plan on your escape. I'm supposed to make this hard for him…aren't I?_

They finally turned into another corridor and walked into what appeared to be a large medical room, or at least a large area with dimmed lights that went up as they entered, showing off the man in the center, who looked up at her with worried eyes as he assessed how she looked.

"Mr. Solo," Ethan said a little bitterly as he walked over to place Elaine on the chair, Elaine's eyes not leaving Napoleon as they moved.

"Are you okay, Elaine?" Napoleon asked while Ethan placed her down on the seat.

Elaine licked her lips to try and simulate an answer. "Tired. Worried." She took in the way he was strung up then smirked. "Better 'n you."

Napoleon gave a small smile as Ethan glared at him. "Glad you still have a sense of humor."

"Enough," Ethan growled, causing Elaine to flinch at the new voice. She liked his nice voice…this wasn't her.

"Napoleon…" Elaine whispered, shaking as Ethan walked off to the side with purpose, "Napoleon…"

* * *

They were slow, moving through the warehouse and checking before Illya motioned to the one unchecked door. April and Mark nodded as Illya lead them in, making sure there were—

The door slammed behind him, leaving April and Mark outside and to whoever might be out there. Cursing his own stupidity and THRUSH for what happened, he looked around to find the only way out to be the door, which was too thick to break, and a thick glass that allowed him to see inside of a room which held Napoleon, strung up, and Elaine, who was sitting in a chair nearby and wearing a strange collar of sorts. He had to guess she wasn't restrained because of that, and he tilted his head slightly upon seeing the man described as Ethan, one of the masterminds behind this.

"_Glad you could join us, Mr. Kuryakin. I must admit I wasn't expecting this much company, but it should keep me occupied for a while. Thank you._"

Illya stayed silent as he looked into the room while Ethan prepared something wicked-looking in the corner, his back turned to Elaine and thus hiding his work. Illya briefly wondered if this was a two-way mirror and thus didn't allow Napoleon to see him.

"_He can see you, Mr. Kuryakin, just as you can see him. I would guess he hasn't noticed that he has company. But don't worry. He will soon. Ethan shall make sure of that. By the way, Mr. Kuryakin, I suppose I should warn you that trying to escape will force me to kill Mr. Slate and Miss Dancer. They've come under the same gun you knew about from our last meeting. I'm sure David helped you with that._" There was an angry sound from the other end of whatever microphone she was using. "_Mr. Solo will pay for them, and you shall watch as your payment for David._"

Illya balled his hand into a fist as he heard it, a glare fixing on Ethan as he tried to think of a way out of this.

* * *

Having finished making the machine, one which would allow him to create a good-sized shock on Solo or, if he felt like it, to cut into Solo at least an inch stabbing. He looked over at where he had set Elaine, happy she was still in her seat and had been silent for the most part. He looked back over at the viewing window where he could see Kuryakin, who glared at him anew as he smiled.

Good, all was going according to plan, then.

* * *

Sue slowed, pulling on Hazel's leash as she did. "Shh, Hazel…great." She looked over to one side, seeing the two who had helped Celeste start to escort her home, both of them apparently frozen by something and being held by what looked like one bored man.

Hazel let out a small whine.

"Fine," she said with a smirk, "got get him, Hazel. Go get him!"

Hazel was off, Sue racing after her as the dog surprised the man and Sue hit him with a wrench she had brought for such an occasion, sending him out like a light. After a quick check she found an odd stick she had to guess was smelling salts or something to revive people quickly. Grabbing two, she tried one on April first, causing the girl to blink and jump before Sue held up her hands in surrender just in case.

"What…owww…"

"Where's the Russian and the others?" Sue asked, waking up Mark and helping him from falling.

"Went into a door, but now…I dunno. What are you doing here?"

"Making sure my sister's friends stay alive. Look, go and call backup or something. I don't think they'll notice me and Hazel as much as you two."

April and Mark paused, then April said, "I have a better idea."

* * *

Solo let out a yell as he was shocked again, Elaine whimpering at having to watch this before saying loudly, "D-don't hurt him! Stop, please!"

Ethan stopped from his next attack to look at her, frowning as he did. "Why?"

"I—I said so. Don't. I—I don't like it."

Ethan looked at her before placing the item down and moving to where she was. Elaine waited as he got closer. Yes, he made her feel good and knew how to pet her, but she wasn't about to sit here and watch Napoleon be tortured!

Illya watched as Ethan approached Elaine, frowning as he looked over to Napoleon then back in time to see Ethan start to kneel down next to her.

"But I have to. If I don't, he--."

Ethan didn't finish that sentence as Elaine lunged at him, getting in a good scratch along his face before he pushed her off of him and hit her soundly, forcing her to curl up as Napoleon struggled against his bonds.

"I'm doing this to protect you! Why did you do that? Why?"

"_What did I tell you, Ethan? You can keep her, of course, but only if this succeeds. She had to like you, and this is not showing me that she likes you._"

Ethan looked around apparently able to hear the voice as clearly as Illya heard it, and caused him obviously some grief. "No. Doctor, I promise, it's just...she's not fully well yet. She'll be good, I promise. I won't--."

Around that time was when all hell broke loose.

* * *

Sue had to be thankful that, of all the things David left her with, it was with an idea of how to throw gears into a frenzy and loosen a few of the right bolts.

That had been her job description as Mark and April set out to secure the area while Hazel was Hazel and was let loose near the area to create a distraction.

"What is _that _doing here?" the scratchy voice asked as Sue slowly started to rise from her area, aware that it was near the control area.

"We, um...that is, Doctor Dabree..."

"Kill it. I have more important things to do then deal with a dog."

She waited as the sound of a door closing announced the doctor leaving before opening a small side and muttering, "Go, Hazel."

The dog, until then friendly, suddenly growled and launched for the nearest person while Sue waited before throwing open the door and using the wrench to take out the rest and whistling. "We make a good team, don't we Hazel?" Hazel panted and wagged her tail quickly before Sue said, "Go find Elaine, Hazel. Go find her!"

Hazel raced off as Sue looked at the controls and said, "Buttons, buttons, who has the buttons...and if not Willy Wanka as portrayed by Gene Wilder, then me of course. Let's see what havoc we can create."

* * *

Ethan looked around as the lights, noises, everything went off, and when he turned around he found Mr. Kuryakin's room empty, the door opened, while a clank was the only notice that Mr. Solo had been released before he whirled, intent on hitting him hard, making him bleed, when a strong force knocked him down, tossing the item away from him and knocking the wind out before he realized, looking up at barred fangs and a growling, angry face, that he had been attacked by a rather medium sized but vicious dog.

Over the intercom, he heard, "_Good Hazel. Now watch him and make sure he doesn't move._"

Ethan had ever intention of _not _moving as he saw Kuryakin walk in with Dancer and Slate, handing Solo a gun. "We found out where Dabree might be heading. April and Mark will take care of Elaine and Sue. Are you okay?"

Solo nodded, "I am now. Let's go."

* * *

Dabree cursed as she headed for her escape route. She had been so close! She should've taken her revenge on Solo when she had the chance, and not left it up to that weakling Ethan! Next time...

"Dabree!" Solo's voice caused her to stop and turn, looking over at the man where he stood, his blond companion by his side, both with gun's raised. "It's over, Dabree. Give it up."

She glared at him. "No. Not until Elmont, and David, and Flo are given their revenge against you, and all those dear to you. I will take everything away from you!"

She pulled the gun, and realized in the back of her mind that Solo was faster, stronger, more able to attack her, but didn't care until the two shots sent her backwards and into darkness forever.


	5. Act 5: Random Acts of Forgiveness

_Act 5: Random Acts of Forgiveness_

"I said," Sue managed between giggles and licks in the face, "I was sorry!"

"Not," Celeste pronounced as she sat on her slimmer sister, tickling her along the sides, "good enough!"

Mark and April looked back over at where Napoleon was being chewed out by Illya and Waverly for running off on his own, getting caught, and nearly being hurt more then usual by Dabree when they had a mission coming up.

Mark sighed. "April, dear? Are we this odd?"

April looked around then shrugged. "We haven't been in long enough, and that," she pointed at the still arguing and tickling sisters who were now wrestling the dog, "is sisterly love. That," they turned to where Napoleon looked completely cowed by the dual assault and was saying how sorry he was, "is just working so long together you're almost brothers and fathers and whatever. We'll get there."

"Warn me before we do. I don't think I'll be able to handle it."

* * *

After a quick tour of the UNCLE HQ as well as a promise to give over the whole story when they returned to their own time, Celeste made sure her sister was off back to her own time and also that Michael wouldn't return to the club before going to see Elaine.

Noting the worried looks of nurses as she passed, she had guess that Elaine was now tired of having been in peril and wanted to stay out of any type, with the exception of the Monty Python type from now on.

"Hey," she looked in, smiling then frowning upon noting the state of the room. "I take it you've been taking my advice, or giving the guys your patented Look."

Elaine, true to her red-haired nature, was easily angered, and upon reaching the point of no return would show off something in her eyes that was described as "The Look". Said Look would likely shrink most people's privates or make most others move away in terror, and would make a good amount of money if it had ever been bottled and sold.

Celeste, having never run into it and happy for that, waited out the answer and wasn't surprised when it was that the latter had chased away the doctors and nurses.

"So that rumor about the lost Ice Princess coming to court is true. Illya was getting a little annoyed that he had royalty to compete against, but now that I know it's you, I'm sure he won't mind sharing the crown."

"How's Napoleon?" she asked quietly.

"Humiliated, and with good reason. I would've recorded it for you, except I couldn't and was giving my sister her own punishment. I have a transcript of it, though, if you want it."

Elaine paused, her nose buried under the covers like a cold cat before she shook her head. "I just want to get the drug out of my system and to know that the creep is in some deep, dark hole."

"He's away and with no return, does that count?"

"Sure."

"Can I pet you?"

"Go away before I scratch you too."

Celeste gave her a pouted look. "Come on. I'm not the creep and I'm not about to hurt you." Sometime during her time in the Navy, Celeste had found that she enjoyed touching people, usually people's hair or back, and thus wanted to become a massage therapist or something similar to indulge.

"Don't care," Elaine showed off by hiding herself fully under the blanket. "Go 'way."

Celeste frowned and, with all the quickness of one who has lived with cats most of her life, put her hand under the covers to massage Elaine's scalp.

"Hey---oh..." a soft purr came from under the covers as Celeste smiled.

"I know I'm evil for doing this, and a few other things, but no one else is letting me indulge. Besides, after this I promise not any other time...though I will give you a massage later if you want it."

A louder purr issued from beneath the blanket.

* * *

Napoleon watched and let out a light cough, noting that Celeste didn't stop her from her work, though the purring died down for a second.

"You give massages?"

"Yes. Good ones. Why?" Celeste glared at him, telling him she wasn't forgiving him just yet.

Napoleon walked over and put a hand underneath the covers as well, taking over Celeste's job and not altering the purring. "If you let me continue and help her out, I'm sure you'll find that Illya needs one."

"And if he doesn't?"

"He's still in your room."

Celeste fixed him with another glare. "You're not off my shit-list yet, Napoleon."

"So I noticed," he told her quietly as he continued, now moving to Elaine's hidden neck, "but I thought I could help her. I'm sorry I didn't, and I'm sorry I got you two angry. Go plan your revenge against me...or better yet, just be happy that I'm probably going to get an earful from Elaine."

Celeste gave a small smile. "I should be. And you shouldn't let us think up revenge. Fine, I'll go, but you take care of her."

After seeing his nod, Celeste headed up and Napoleon continued to pet and otherwise pamper the hidden Elaine, who refused to give up her hiding spot under the blanket for whatever amount of attention was given to her aching head, neck or shoulders by those expert hands.

* * *

"Napoleon said you needed a massage."

"He said you needed a distraction."

There was a pause between the two.

"Rat bastard," Celeste muttered as Illya muttered something a little less appealing in Russian.

Celeste cast him a look. "You still need the massage? Revenge later on and with my 2x4 of Common Sense."

"It wouldn't hurt."

Celeste smiled and motioned to the couch. "Okay, take off your coat and holster, then lay down."

"Why should I trust you?"

"If you don't I'll tackle you, now lay down."

* * *

"'Poleon."

"Hmmm?"

"I still don't like you."

"That's okay, Elaine." The massage on the shoulder intensified and she began to purr again.

"Stop that."

"Do you really want me to?"

"...no."

"Alright then."

* * *

Illya lay on the couch as Celeste straddled him then said, "You realize this is for your own good."

"It is--." He stopped as she brought her hands down and kneeded his shoulders, slowly working out the tense knots. He would not say anything about how nice this was, he wouldn't encourage her, he—

The massage hit his neck, then slowly worked down his spine and back up, along one side of his back then the next. "More then five minutes?"

"please..."

He could hear her smile as she said, "Okay then."

* * *

Two days after being allowed back into work, Elaine was reading her newspaper again as Napoleon walked up.

"I don't care, the answer is still no."

Napoleon turned around and walked back out, wondering what it would take to crack this new Ice Royalty given to UNCLE New York.


End file.
